When teenagers challenge — a tip for how to respond

I have a dear friend who is a mentor and life coach in all senses of the word, offering advice to everyone at all stages of life — from how to develop healthy sleep habits with your baby to dealing with the death of a loved one.  She’s also a mother of four, including two teenage children, so she’s been a perfect sounding board for me as we navigate our way into the first stages of teenage-hood with our eldest. (Free friend counselling! Lucky me!)

The other day I was chatting with her and had mentioned that Easton (aged 12 and a half) has been starting to challenge me and assert his opinion in social situations. For example, I will be talking with a friend, telling a story (unaware that he is even nearby) and he will interject and correct me. It can be about something so little, like the colour of the sky or the size of the waves, but he feels this need to assert himself and correct me, as if to say ‘hey, I’m becoming an adult, and my opinion matters here’, but without the social awareness to know that it’s inconsiderate to interject in that moment.  My friend told me this is SO NORMAL. She also told me she had already observed this happening with him (which obviously made me feel better to know that I wasn’t just making it up), and she offered advice for how to deal with this when it happens.

Instead of correcting him back or challenging him, which only adds fuel to the fire, I should just simply say something like, ‘Oh, that’s interesting that we saw it differently’ and allow him to feel valued in his opinion without encouraging him to continue correcting me. She mentioned that in these pre-teen and early teenage years, children will often throw out a hook and wait for their parents to bite. When their parents bite, they start to reel in and the rage/aggression/anger/rebellion kicks in and escalates. If we as parents can recognise that our children are throwing out hooks and how to avoid biting, we will be able to navigate this phase much more easily. Isn’t that a good tip?

I’ve spent the past couple weeks noticing the ‘hooks’ he’s casting out, trying my hardest not to bite, and I must say that it has lead to more patience on my part and fewer arguments in general. It also always helps to remind myself that his behaviour is totally normal. I think the more we see the things our children do as normal parts of their development (in all stages, not just teenage-hood), the easier it is to react, respond and eventually overcome. As our children grow older, we have a tendency as parents to expect them to become more mature, and as a result, we have less patience for their behaviour, but really the teenage phase requires more patience and understanding than ever before.

Do you have a pre-teen or teenager and have you noticed similar challenging? I’d be curious to hear how you’re navigating this phase and any tips you might have.

Courtney x

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