Do you talk about sex with your children?

The other day, Courtney and I were discussing the way parents talk about sex with their children. How difficult this subject sometimes seems to be, and how easy people shy away from discussing it. Why is it, that something so beautiful and special can be so controversial at the same time?

I don’t know if it is because I’m a child of the seventies or because I was born and raised in the progressive Netherlands, but growing up, my parents never locked the bathroom door and never covered their bodies in front of me. They were absolutely no nudists, but seeing them naked in the bathroom was as normal for me as seeing them dressed in the supermarket. Also, I was used to sometimes seeing them kiss each other — my dad being all flirty and my mum being all giggly. : )

I probably knew about the way babies are made before I knew how to tie my shoelaces. I’m talking about the technicalities of it — I wasn’t interested or curious about more than that at the time. I remember that the sexual and emotional aspects of intercourse were something that didn’t become relevant until much later.

Now, with our children, Tamar and I are equally relaxed about nudity and try to be open and straightforward about sex. We sometimes talk about it as a family but also make sure to discuss sex casually with them individually — just so it is an open subject and not something that they should be ashamed about. We were talking about the way babies are made the other day over dinner, and I thought it was so sweet and interesting to see how different our kids’ knowledge and interests are at each individual age.

Casper (3) is still very little, and at this point I think it is enough that he understands the difference between boys and girls. (He is fully aware, but the other day he was pointing out my penis to me — so there is still some explaining to do!) He also knows that babies grow in the mama’s belly, and he thinks that is super cool.
Ava (6) is aware how the baby actually technically gets into that belly, and knows that that process happens with lots of kissing and cuddling. She is not interested in more at the moment, which is perfect.
In Pim’s class (he is 9 now and sex is a hot topic) the kids are all being so big and cool about it. But at the same time they are giggly, and shy and insecure, so I try to calmly talk to him and explain everything he has questions about, so there is no need for him to feel awkward about things.
Sara (11) is already beyond that giggly and shy phase. Her body is now starting to change, and with her I am starting to talk about the changes her body will be going through, about positive self esteem, sexual attraction, falling in love, etc.

I am hoping that an open conversation about the way babies are made from an early age (and shying away from euphemisms like ‘a special cuddle’) can open up an easier situation to talk about sex a bit later in childhood, naturally evolving into talking about emotional bonding and sexual attraction in the pre-teens. There should be nothing strange or embarrassing about it!

I even think that if sexual education evolves naturally this way, the awkward ‘talk’ doesn’t even have to take place at all. (Because let’s face it — it can be so uncomfortable both for the parent and the child! I still remember mine, what an awkward moment!)

So tell me — do you talk about sex with your children? Did your parents have ‘the talk’ with you?

xxx Esther

PS Drawing of papa and mama by Ava

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